Blogging reposts - Bradley Manning

Everyone needs to see this.

Bradley Manning Had Secrets

http://vimeo.com/32837863

Trans or ally at work

So I got a new job. Nothing special, just temp work over the christmas period. I'm currently a bookseller and it is very fun. I may be able to stay after xmas, but for massively reduced hours, but work is work.

I'm not out at work, I wasn't really out at my old job but I never really hid it. In this job I don't really have anything that needs a flaunt or a hide. We all wear the same clothes (red is one of my flattering colours) and I need my hair tied back otherwise it really gets in the way.

My only real show of my trans nature is my transgendered symbol badge on my bag that I try to wear all the time so that even when I'm in man mode I can hopefully show support.

Mainly though, a big difference is that in my old job I could hear a transphobic comment and not really have the confidence or opportunity to educate, as it was a 300+ people company chances are I wouldn't know the person who said the comment and I certainly wouldn't remember who they were after. Where I work now there are 8 other people, so it's a lot more close knit. I've not had to educate yet but I have found it prudent to declare myself as an ally. Such as in the following conversation:

AM - "I caught some of the ghastly show My Transsexual Summer last night"
Me - "Oh yea? That's a shame, I quite like it and I have a few transgendered friends who find it to be quite accurate and sympathetic"
This then proceeded to a conversation about transgendered rights and it's representation in pink politics and such. He was rather taken back when I told him that the average age of a transgendered person is only 23 years old and we ended up on a positive note.

I don't think his critisism of MTS would have resulted in transphobic comments, I think his opinion would have only been on the show being similar to the other "freak show" documentaries on TV (which it may appear to be by the name, but really isn't) so I at least stuck my oar in to defend the show which I enjoyed immensely.

The result of this conversation is that I've now shown that I won't accept anything transphobic without having to actually accuse anyone of being so (I wouldn't strait out say "You're Transphobic you Cissexist bastard!") as I know they are all very nice people, but nice people who don't know what may be offensive can still offend. As it were...

I've also told everyone I can about my book I'm writing with the transsexual femme fatale, and expanded but saying I'm an ally and all that.

If I get this job permanently, which I hope I do as I really do love it, then I need to think to myself if I would be comfortable outing myself to my work mates. And I think that the answer is a yes. So that's good.

Jobless

I've not really posted anything in a while. Mainly because I lost my job. Which sucks.

I felt quite fortunate in my old job as people knew me enough for to start blurring the gender lines. I was able to have a reasonably femme hair style and clothes without anyone batting an eyelid. This was just because the place was a live and let live kind of environment.

Now I have to find a new place to work, most likely in a more unenlightened kind of place. Even if it is temporary it is just another delay for me to become who I am, as the risk of violence and pain and hurting is flared up again.

Sucks

I am not transgender because

These are reasons and not reasons why I am transgender

I am not transgender because I grew up in an all woman household
I am not transgender because I spent a chunk of my youth in all womens hostels
I am not transgender because I like womens clothing and putting on make-up
I am not transgender because I wish to alienate myself from society
I am not transgender because I'm actually gay and can just snap out of all of it
I am not transgender because I had a shitty relationship with my father where he was always trying to build up my "manliness"
I am not transgender because I want to be a woman
I am not transgender because I every day I wake up and I see I am still in my male body I am overcome with sadness
I am not transgender because I hate how I can feel like I can feel my testosterone is flowing through my body and I hate it.
I am not transgender because I can't stand seeing all my male tells on my body, such as my facial hair.

I am transgender because I know that what I am inside is not what I am outside. I was born a male and I wish with all my heart I wasn't. Some of what is listed are what come with being transgender and others have nothing to do with at all, or even to do with me and how I may feel.
But I was dealt a hand that completely separated my mind from my body and put me in a situation where I do not feel I can ever be happy that a connection can be restored fully. Or maybe even partially. My body grew as a male body and became more so as the years went by, I grew taller, broader and hairier and my mind grew softer and more feminine and every time I had to take stock of myself I found myself wanting and lacking.

It is difficult, as it is for everyone, but I don't really care about passing or living as a female. I know that's how I'd be happiest but for me I just want to try and adjust my body to my mind as much as possible. Even if it is all in private and under my clothes.

Although I am fickle and this view could change tomorrow, it is how I am dealing with it now.

Phone call

So I got a phone call yesterday from my potential GID doctor thingy, Dr Olive from the Norfolk(Norwich?) Gender Clinic. Which was good. I had a bit of an issue trying to convince him that I was actually in his area and did not fall under Cambridge which would have meant a lot of hassle.

But thankfully I'm not in Cambridge I'm in Norfolk and so can see the local clinic.

I was happy to get this call, which told me I was going to be finding out about an appointment soon and this is only after a couple of month of waiting which is quite good.

Thing is, I've kind of been a bit lack about the whole thing lately. I've sort of pushed it to the back of my mind as I knew I'd get a long wait, it's also still not totally convenient to dress and stuff most of the time. I still act the same and am the same but... well..

Another thing, this has brought back all the old fears, the main reason why I am not pursuing this with all my heart is that I really cant cope with how afraid I am of what it could mean. I thought I had dealt with this but sometimes I am more relaxed with the idea and other times I am not. I still identify generally as female. Mostly though I find it hard to identify with any gender, and I don't mean in a gender role kind of way I just mean in a self-projection way. But definitely more female than male.

which I hate in this body of mine. Fecking Irish-Italian genes. Even if I do have some normal English (Anglo-Saxon type stuff) and Romany, it is no where near as strong.

I don't know, like I said I think that if I just pushed it out of my mind I would be able to pretend I was dealing with it, but really I am not. This is set to be a fun couple of weeks/months/years.

But I will do this as much as I can, it may be slow (I want it to go slow) but it will happen, and I may be happy with it and all the other clichés.


Also, sorry for the disjointed flow of this blog, I'm out of practise.

Waiting, waiting, waiting

So, a couple of weeks ago I got a call from my Doctor asking me if it was ok for her to refer me to a gender clinic in Norwich. She was worried that it would inconvenient for me to go there as I had request to go to Cambridge (Cambridge doesn't have a gender clinic which is crazy... It's Cambridge ffs) I had no issues with this.

I did ask her to repeat herself. I asked her to whom she was referring me to. She said a gender specialist in Norwich GIC. I was shocked and happy. I was expecting to have to go to a psychologist, psychiatrist, social worker, priest, tescos manager, tea lady, bus driver.. Basically everyone and everything until people finally decided I was worthy to see a specialist. I told her this, she said she felt there was no need for that... She felt happy referring me strait away. Yay for me, I guess, now I just have to hope they do actually decide they want to see me, or don't throw me away after the first session or something.

God knows how long I have to even wait for confirmation of my referral.

I'm not complaining though, I am so happy I was able to get to see such a great doctor who was so understanding. I guess she might have felt that if I was brave enough to sit in that busy waiting room wearing women's jeans and a pink top in our little village then I knew what I wanted.

Thing is... I still don't know what I want, I was bracing up for the battle with the gate keepers to strengthen my resolve. I would become an expert in my arguments about why I was trans and how I wasn't trans for a whole host of reasons. I was going to fight down every single petty remark and bullshit theory just to be myself. I was going to fight and become a trans-warrior, like so many others I know who have to struggle to even get on path.

But who am I to complain, I just hope I don't get it too easy to forget how others struggle. I hope I don't go in too weak and ruin my chances on the first go. I hope they are forgiving for when I do ruin my chances on the first go (I will, I know I will).

So anyone have any experience with Norwich gender clinic?

Sometimes there are no bad guys. Or bad girls.

So I came out to my partner a couple of months ago. I told her as much as I knew about what it meant to transition. I learnt more after that and I am still learning.
Something I came across again and again was that hormones did two significant things. One was make you sterile and the other was send you into puberty again (fun).

The first thing: the sterile thing… I have a daughter. I love her to bits and I don’t regret her at all. She is so wonderful and beautiful. I don’t feel like I want another child, I don’t feel like I can handle that after I have gone through my transition and as horrible as it sounds I don’t want to risk having a son.

I sucked as a son, I had a shitty father/son relationship and I wouldn’t want my transition status to have an effect on how they grow up. This is probably completely un-reasonable but it’s the truth as it is to me.

The issue with this is that if you tell someone that there is an absolute, then you are taking that option away from them. My SO may not have had any desire to have more children with me now or ever but she doesn’t like the idea of being forced to never have children with me again. This is reasonable. If I am to go on hormones there really is little other choice aside from a sperm bank.

The puberty thing means a lot. I am Bi-sexual at the moment. I am attracted to guys and girls, I’ve never had a sexual relationship with another guy but I have fallen in love with a couple. When I go through my puberty my feelings of desire for men may massively increase and take over. I may be uncontrollable with my urge to feel the stubble and strong arms. What girl doesn’t…?

This MIGHT happen. It MIGHT happen. If I and my SO stay together where she is strong for me and my support I could go through puberty bi and come out the other end strait. It is possible. I love my SO a lot. I can’t imagine leaving her, but I can’t account for when the chemicals in my brain change.

So all I can offer her are three things. I promise to love her, I promise to try and support her as much as she supports me and I promise to always be honest with her. So if I feel like I may be straightening out then we will have warning.
I don’t know if this will ever be enough. It does feel like the future is uncertain. But the future is always uncertain. Someone could drive home from work a happily married man, pull over to help a stranded woman with her tyres, fall in love with her and BAM. Changed future.

Otherwise, we can compromise. If I want anything from this it’s the hormones. I know they will be able to help change me from the testosterone filled gorilla I am to the Disney princess I am inside (hah).

But a compromise for me on this would be the blockers I guess. Stop the T as much as I can without the O. Even then, will I still feel the self-hate? Will I still become sterile? I don’t know. It’s hard. I really want this change. It’s what I’ve needed my whole life. I can’t believe how much I blocked it.

I spent last night in my old bed as a teenager. As I went to sleep I wished I would wake up back in my 15 year old body in 2001. A fresh start. Let me be Ahuali (I seriously need a girl’s name) from the start. But then, I wouldn’t have had all the amazing stuff I’ve had…

Bah. Life

So I've come out to most of the important friends and family. Only 2 people left.
Friends went well, I doubt they will read this even though i came out to one of them kind of via twitter and I am unsure if he got it or just followed because what the hell it's Liam.
The other friend went well and another one has known for like a year now.
One main friend left, everyone else I can take of leave their reaction. I'd hate to leave the main friend though as if he is cool with this he would be pissed off that he didn't find out when everyone else found out....

I came out to my mum and step-dad and that went well. My mum is a valuable resource for information as she is a nurse and used to work at a sexual health clinic in London. This didn't occur to me but she has seen it all and heard it all. So that's great.

Im pretty sure my step-dad already knew, as I think he saw the kind of porn I was looking at when I lived with them :\

Just my sister left. She should be fine, mainly she is the only person left who talks to my dad. I'd both love and hate for him to find out. I don't talk to my dad, not since he attacked me and my pregnant girlfriend. But I cant help but chuckle at the thought of his shock that everything he feared about me (and told me so again and again when i was growing up. Hello repression) kind of comes true. But in a less of a bigoted arsehole way.

So thats it. I wish to write more.

I need to write about the reasons why I felt I wasn't transgender and was just fucked up.

As well as my love/hate relationship with self-image and stuff.

Also, hello readers. please say hi. I need attention. I used to get it from those TV attention sites (I was 19/20 so sue me) some dodgy people on there that's for sure.

Fear and self-loathing on the transgender trail

So for me I feel like I am held back by my own ideas of who I should be. I should just be who I want to be. Even when I have come to terms with my own trangenderism I feel like I need to validate it and set myself down to some hard limits.
I feel ugly. Yes. I feel fat. Yes. It happens. I should still be me.

I, like every other alienated teenager, love Hunter S Thompson. And like everyone else like me I felt that his writing really spoke to me personally and that I wanted my life to be lived according to his values, which seemed to me to be to just follow your passion; follow justice, look out for the little guy and try to cause as much havoc on the way as you can. But then he shot himself.
He gave up. I gave up. It’s a shit world when the man who knows its shit gives up on it. For a year I wished I could go back in time and tell him that it gets better. It always gets better.

Then, recently, I read one of his books I bought after he died; Kingdom of Fear. It was published after his death. And a line in it struck me, it was what made me feel closer to HST than anything else I ever read, it seemed to define a certain nature of his. I think it was also largely ignored. He said in the last chapter (compiled and placed there by his editor) that he felt that he was a grown man with the soul of a teenage girl. His lust for disaster and the chase of the bad boy could be traced back to that girl in his soul. This is how I felt, although my girl is less naughty and more insecure. She, me, is like the normal me. Insecure and worried and self-conscious. She doesn’t want to let anyone down even it means letting her self down. She will sacrifice a lot for the sake of others.

By this I don’t mean my family. As a dad (weird, but my notion of a dad is not like the normal idea. I fantasised my own father which means I can now be whatever I need to be) this needs to mean I provide support which I will always do. But instead of just hiding away my soul I should just let her out. She is more like me than anything else I let show, in fact she is me. She is all ME. No acting or holding back, she is let loose now and I hope to never have to reign her in. But man, o man, do I need to work on my self-perception. Anorexia is not pretty and I can never claim to have had it but I lost a lot of weight very quickly through not eating and as tempting as it is to do that again I think I'll just stick to cycling and running. Once I get enough self-control to drag myself out of bed in the morning I need to remember that the end justifies the means. By ends I mean an attractive woman and by means I mean leaving my nice warm bed to go and cycle around some boring old fields for an hour.

Either way. HST was Trans; it was why he chased everything and tried to fill the void in his soul. I also R Trans but I don’t intend to wait until I am sixty to really express this and then shoot myself in the head.
Fuck I’m drunk. TL:DR – Fuck you, fuck me. I am whoever I am. Also, I’m drunk. But meh, who read this anyway. From now on I’m going to get drunk at every opportunity and just let loose.


Next chapter of my blog will be how porn fucks everything up and makes you feel like a worthless piece of self-hating shit.

Stuff

Well today was shit. I had a huge lift at work and felt great, but some things happened that crashed me down to the floor. I could barely drive home I was so low. But a friend on twitter asked me what was wrong (hi!) and I vented and felt a bit better.
I then came home and wrote for my novel (we all have one). I wrote 2000 words of steamy trans sex. If this gets published i fear it may end up in the porn section :\


I'll post up an extract when I have edited it.

I have more to say but less drive to say it.

Listen to this song, it always cheers me up for some reason:

Damn it, fucks sake. Stupid doctors

(Full size)

Well that letter annoyed me.

This was my response from the doctor I saw when I went to go and talk to them about being transgendered. I don’t know about you but I find it dripping with ignorance and I also find it quite offensive. It doesn’t even offer the most basic of support that I would expect from the NHS.

Let’s have a closer look as to why I hate this letter.

|He doesn’t think that you have gender identity disorder as this is for people who require a sex change. 
  

1. How does he know this? I have never spoken to him or made any form of contact with him. All he has to go on is second hand knowledge of what I am going through as interpreted by another doctor who didn’t even fully grasp the idea of GID in the first place. I told her I felt like I should have been born a girl. Yes I am the cliche of a woman trapped in a male body. This is GID as I understand it. I told the doctor this much at least.

2.    Since when was it so black and white as to say you needed a sex change if you had GID. Also they are prepared to cut me off from further support just because I admitted that I did not fully know about how far I wanted to go with this. Of course I don’t know how far I want to go, I’ve only just come to terms with my transgender nature myself, I reached out for help.

|As I understand from our conversation you are not comfortable or confident with the fact that you are bisexual.

Right, this is not something I came to you about. I am very comfortable with my bi-sexuality and have been out about it for 4 years. So I find it very offensive that you should chose to focus on this as this is a non-issue. Just because I have never had sex with another man does not mean that I am not bisexual. I know what turns me on and I have been in love with other men. It isn’t all about where I poke my penis.

|If this is the case then Dr. Bakshi advised you to contact LGBT Group which stands for lesbian gay bisexual and transgender. Dr Bakshi couldn’t give me the exact details of how to contact them but he said it was self-referral and the contact details you can find online or in the Yellow Pages.

Now this is offensive. Not only is it condescending, it’s also inaccurate. The NHS has at least leaflets on this kind of thing as well as a whole host of support to offer. Not to mention the well-known groups such as Stonewall.  This feels to me that I am just being brushed aside. 

And I feel really sorry for anyone who might come to these doctors worried about their sexuality and will find no support. It’s not like being gay is a new thing. It’s not even a fringe thing any more. How can they not offer anything at all?

What I am going to do now? I am now going to request the letter than passed between the doctor and Dr Bakshi. I am going to see how accurately this represents what my issues were. I am also going to find out how I can see a competent doctor. Even if it means changing my GPs practise.

To me the biggest concern is how the proposed NHS funding changes will make this thing more common. My doctors have shown to me that they have no regard for people who are transgendered and I can imagine they are not the only one. So what if any services offered are cut, and people who are trans will have nothing to go to for help. That is a very basic way of describing it, I am not the most lucid of writers, but I think you may see what I mean. I don't mean this would happen across the UK, but certainly in small backwaters where knowledge of such issues is not very well known.

How I feel nowadays

Taken from - transe-generation.com

This is pretty much how I feel lately. I find it hard to make up my mind about my gender. I feel like could make a list of things I like and hate about being male. I think there would be more things in the hate section.

I may actually do this soon...


So I went to my private healthcare provided by my work and cried my eyes out about being trans and confused. So they booked me in to see a counsellor, whom I am going to see this Friday. Only 20 minute walk from work.

It was odd though, I rang her and introduced myself. She said she didn't generally get names and how could she help me. I was about to start explaining and suddenly she interjects with "Oh, Ahuali! Of course, yes." Felt a bit embrasseding to be honest, but her voice softened and she spoke to me very kindly. Is this something that happens now? Will I be patronised as if I am a slow witted teenager? I imagine it was just her trying to be kind and reassuring and I am not going to insult anyone who is trying to help. But we'll see.

Also, went out and about in Cambridge yesterday half dressed. I got a few looks as sometimes those jeans can look very feminine but I every time I go out dressed I care less and less of what people think of me. Although there are obviously some places I would dare to go out dressed. But Ely and Cambridge are fine for now.

I wonder when I'll be confident enough to go to work in a state of dress.

Things got better

Ok, so after my little rant yesterday I felt a lot better and put it into perspective. Also, Reddit helped. Reddit always helps. And I realised that it was now kind of official. I imagine it was maybe on my medical record. I didnt think to check. But hell if I can summon up the courage to tell a doctor then I can be brave enough to just be myself.

So when my girlfriend got home and we chatted and I vented she took me upstairs and told me that she was suddenly very Ok with the whole thing. There are some issues that we will need to deal with in the future but she has decided to deal with them when we need to. She said she wouldn't even mind the hormones so much, and would still be proud to hold my hand in the street. This made me very happy.

Then after this chat she dug out some jeans she had when she was a little bigger (size 12) and gave them to me. I have a horrible personal image problem and I never expected to be able to fit into a size 12, but I did with plenty of room to spare. She also convinced me to go out and about in them. They weren't glaringly obvious that they were womens jeans but it wouldn't take much to see that they were. But no one cared. And that is what I need to remember. That generally no one will care.

So yea, not the most well written blog ever, but that's a short tale on how my birthday improved massively. Also, I figured out how to change my name so that it is slightly more feminine but pretty much the same. I am also less scared by the idea of occasionally presenting myself as a woman. So woo.

Ok, So that happened

If what I was expecting to happen when I went to the doctors was like a rage comic. It would have looked like  this! But I don't really have the time to make a rage comic about how it actually went.
The doctor was a new doctor, she has only just finished whatever training she needed to become a GP. She was also Eastern European if we're honest she probably didn't really get much about the plight of the TG in her home media services. Not that we do get much here in the UK, but people here have generally heard of TGs.
She wasn't even sure what gender identity disorder was, and asked me to repeat it and clarify it. I was also prepared to answer any questions that may have been asked about my life so far and maybe gave away more than I needed to.

But she finally understood that I am of the mindset where I wish i had been born a girl and that I had only recently discovered that this made me a bit odd from the normal. (I really did think that every boy wished they were a girl, only really recently did I realise otherwise.)

So she said she didn't know what to do. I said that ideally I would be referred to a psychiatrist she said she didn't know how to do that.  I was fine with this as I we are all new at things sometimes and can't be expected to know everything. It is odd knowing more than your doctor about medical issues though I must add.

So she asked if I would mind if she went to go and ask for advice from one of the senior doctors. I said I was ok with this and she did.
She was gone for a short while and when she came back she told me that THE SENIOR DOCTOR DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I mean what the fuck! He said that it was such an unusual case that they should write off to the local NHS psychiatrist to find out what to do next. I was dumbstruck. She said this will take a month. I gave her my mobile number to ring me when she finds out more.

I guess I just wait now. Wait a month to find out if I am referred. Fucking brilliant. I hate living in this hicksville backwater shitty little fucking Norfolk village.

Scared

I'm scared. Scared scared scared scared scared.
I'm scared that as soon as I walk into the doctors he will laugh me out of there. I'm scared that the psychotherapist will prove to me that I am not what I think I am and am just a pervert.
I'm scared that I am who I am and I will feel like I need to have a full transistion to ever be happy again. I don't think I can ever bring myself to do that.
I'm scared that I'll lose what ever it is that makes me me, and people will not think of me in the same way. I'm scared I'll lose friends and family. I'm scared I'll lose myself.

But I need to do this, or at least start, or show that I can do it. I don't generally follow through with things. I'm even failing my OU course within the first month! I know I suck. I just seem to set myself to self-destruct. But maybe this will get me out of the rut I am in. It should help. At least I know who I am even if no one else can.

Emo or what? But I do feel scared, I've even lost my appetite, I'm hungry but can't eat, I'm tired but can't sleep. I don't really drink and I don't smoke anything. So I don't really have anything to numb it down. I just have de-caff tea.

Hopefully I'll cheer up and actually write something here that is useful. But the point was to record my feelings as a diary for myself. Which is what this is.

Adventure starts here

I had two new years resolutions this year. One was to not be lame. The other was to go on more adventures.

I broke the first one within a day, but hey that's just who I am.  The second is not one that can be broken.

I've not had any adventures yet, but earlier today I started on a big one. I rang my local GP to book an appointment to talk to them about the possibility of myself having Gender Identity Disorder. I say possibility but I am pretty sure, although I am never one to commit.

Basically I am 25 and a bit of a family man with a long term partner and a daughter. My late accepting of who I am is certainly going to throw up some interesting challenges. But because of this I don't think I'll ever make the full transition. But I am happy to dabble and see what happens. Although my main aim is to just try and become a bit more comfortable in my body.

So like I said. I am quite late to this. A few years ago I realised that looking at pictures online that could be classed as gay pornography might mean I am bi-sexual. And so within the past few months I've realised that wishing I had been born a girl and not having a penis or testosterone flowing through my body might mean I am or intend to be transgendered. 

So this weekend I came out to my partner, for the third time in our relationship. The first time was when I told her I was bi-sexual, the second time was when I told her I was a crossdresser and then finally that I might be trans.  She took the news well and told me that she was fully expecting this day for me to tell her. She is still happy to be with me, and still share her make-up (She always has). Although there may be some barriers placed up in the future, but I can't see myself ever going that far. We'll have to see what happens.

Ok, I've lost my steam, I hope to update this whenever I feel like I have taken a step to my new future or I feel like sharing one of my many self-denial stories from when I was growing up.

Now I just wait to see the GP. The appointment is on my birthday, not that that has any significance.