Wednesday, 9 March 2011


I'm scared. Scared scared scared scared scared.
I'm scared that as soon as I walk into the doctors he will laugh me out of there. I'm scared that the psychotherapist will prove to me that I am not what I think I am and am just a pervert.
I'm scared that I am who I am and I will feel like I need to have a full transistion to ever be happy again. I don't think I can ever bring myself to do that.
I'm scared that I'll lose what ever it is that makes me me, and people will not think of me in the same way. I'm scared I'll lose friends and family. I'm scared I'll lose myself.

But I need to do this, or at least start, or show that I can do it. I don't generally follow through with things. I'm even failing my OU course within the first month! I know I suck. I just seem to set myself to self-destruct. But maybe this will get me out of the rut I am in. It should help. At least I know who I am even if no one else can.

Emo or what? But I do feel scared, I've even lost my appetite, I'm hungry but can't eat, I'm tired but can't sleep. I don't really drink and I don't smoke anything. So I don't really have anything to numb it down. I just have de-caff tea.

Hopefully I'll cheer up and actually write something here that is useful. But the point was to record my feelings as a diary for myself. Which is what this is.

1 comment:

  1. Be honest with yourself. A therapist will help by asking you the right questions, but it'll only be meaningful if you can answer honestly. And if you can be honest with yourself, and they try to tell you differently, then they are just acting as a gatekeeper and trying to slow you down.

    However, if you can't be honest with yourself, they'll end up convincing you you're something your not.

    Also, I have on good authority(mine) that if they laugh at you for asking for their help, they suck and should be fired.

    Don't worry about how "far" you go in transitioning. Some find they are comfortable part time, some are comfortable aiming right in the middle as androgynous.

    This is about YOU. And no one else.

    Take it one step at a time. Once you're happy with that, if YOU want more, take another step. It may be a fun idea to want to wake up tomorrow and it'll all be done and over and you have a new life you can just jump right into, but that's not going to happen. What you can do is make progress every day. :)