I'm scared. Scared scared scared scared scared.
I'm scared that as soon as I walk into the doctors he will laugh me out of there. I'm scared that the psychotherapist will prove to me that I am not what I think I am and am just a pervert.
I'm scared that I am who I am and I will feel like I need to have a full transistion to ever be happy again. I don't think I can ever bring myself to do that.
I'm scared that I'll lose what ever it is that makes me me, and people will not think of me in the same way. I'm scared I'll lose friends and family. I'm scared I'll lose myself.
But I need to do this, or at least start, or show that I can do it. I don't generally follow through with things. I'm even failing my OU course within the first month! I know I suck. I just seem to set myself to self-destruct. But maybe this will get me out of the rut I am in. It should help. At least I know who I am even if no one else can.
Emo or what? But I do feel scared, I've even lost my appetite, I'm hungry but can't eat, I'm tired but can't sleep. I don't really drink and I don't smoke anything. So I don't really have anything to numb it down. I just have de-caff tea.
Hopefully I'll cheer up and actually write something here that is useful. But the point was to record my feelings as a diary for myself. Which is what this is.