Thursday, 19 May 2011

Sometimes there are no bad guys. Or bad girls.

So I came out to my partner a couple of months ago. I told her as much as I knew about what it meant to transition. I learnt more after that and I am still learning.
Something I came across again and again was that hormones did two significant things. One was make you sterile and the other was send you into puberty again (fun).

The first thing: the sterile thing… I have a daughter. I love her to bits and I don’t regret her at all. She is so wonderful and beautiful. I don’t feel like I want another child, I don’t feel like I can handle that after I have gone through my transition and as horrible as it sounds I don’t want to risk having a son.

I sucked as a son, I had a shitty father/son relationship and I wouldn’t want my transition status to have an effect on how they grow up. This is probably completely un-reasonable but it’s the truth as it is to me.

The issue with this is that if you tell someone that there is an absolute, then you are taking that option away from them. My SO may not have had any desire to have more children with me now or ever but she doesn’t like the idea of being forced to never have children with me again. This is reasonable. If I am to go on hormones there really is little other choice aside from a sperm bank.

The puberty thing means a lot. I am Bi-sexual at the moment. I am attracted to guys and girls, I’ve never had a sexual relationship with another guy but I have fallen in love with a couple. When I go through my puberty my feelings of desire for men may massively increase and take over. I may be uncontrollable with my urge to feel the stubble and strong arms. What girl doesn’t…?

This MIGHT happen. It MIGHT happen. If I and my SO stay together where she is strong for me and my support I could go through puberty bi and come out the other end strait. It is possible. I love my SO a lot. I can’t imagine leaving her, but I can’t account for when the chemicals in my brain change.

So all I can offer her are three things. I promise to love her, I promise to try and support her as much as she supports me and I promise to always be honest with her. So if I feel like I may be straightening out then we will have warning.
I don’t know if this will ever be enough. It does feel like the future is uncertain. But the future is always uncertain. Someone could drive home from work a happily married man, pull over to help a stranded woman with her tyres, fall in love with her and BAM. Changed future.

Otherwise, we can compromise. If I want anything from this it’s the hormones. I know they will be able to help change me from the testosterone filled gorilla I am to the Disney princess I am inside (hah).

But a compromise for me on this would be the blockers I guess. Stop the T as much as I can without the O. Even then, will I still feel the self-hate? Will I still become sterile? I don’t know. It’s hard. I really want this change. It’s what I’ve needed my whole life. I can’t believe how much I blocked it.

I spent last night in my old bed as a teenager. As I went to sleep I wished I would wake up back in my 15 year old body in 2001. A fresh start. Let me be Ahuali (I seriously need a girl’s name) from the start. But then, I wouldn’t have had all the amazing stuff I’ve had…

Bah. Life


  1. Me. You. Same boat, just no daughter.

  2. I cried when I read this, it brings back so many memories and experiences of my own. For me, dealing with family issues was so hard. It took me a long time to realise that I had married my best friend because really I suppose I both wanted to BE her, and wanted a friend. I had the family I always wanted and felt incredibly guilty about letting them down. By some miracle I now have a brilliant 'sister' instead of an ex. I am so aware that things could have been far less fortunate. Good Luck.