How I feel nowadays

Taken from - transe-generation.com

This is pretty much how I feel lately. I find it hard to make up my mind about my gender. I feel like could make a list of things I like and hate about being male. I think there would be more things in the hate section.

I may actually do this soon...


So I went to my private healthcare provided by my work and cried my eyes out about being trans and confused. So they booked me in to see a counsellor, whom I am going to see this Friday. Only 20 minute walk from work.

It was odd though, I rang her and introduced myself. She said she didn't generally get names and how could she help me. I was about to start explaining and suddenly she interjects with "Oh, Ahuali! Of course, yes." Felt a bit embrasseding to be honest, but her voice softened and she spoke to me very kindly. Is this something that happens now? Will I be patronised as if I am a slow witted teenager? I imagine it was just her trying to be kind and reassuring and I am not going to insult anyone who is trying to help. But we'll see.

Also, went out and about in Cambridge yesterday half dressed. I got a few looks as sometimes those jeans can look very feminine but I every time I go out dressed I care less and less of what people think of me. Although there are obviously some places I would dare to go out dressed. But Ely and Cambridge are fine for now.

I wonder when I'll be confident enough to go to work in a state of dress.

Things got better

Ok, so after my little rant yesterday I felt a lot better and put it into perspective. Also, Reddit helped. Reddit always helps. And I realised that it was now kind of official. I imagine it was maybe on my medical record. I didnt think to check. But hell if I can summon up the courage to tell a doctor then I can be brave enough to just be myself.

So when my girlfriend got home and we chatted and I vented she took me upstairs and told me that she was suddenly very Ok with the whole thing. There are some issues that we will need to deal with in the future but she has decided to deal with them when we need to. She said she wouldn't even mind the hormones so much, and would still be proud to hold my hand in the street. This made me very happy.

Then after this chat she dug out some jeans she had when she was a little bigger (size 12) and gave them to me. I have a horrible personal image problem and I never expected to be able to fit into a size 12, but I did with plenty of room to spare. She also convinced me to go out and about in them. They weren't glaringly obvious that they were womens jeans but it wouldn't take much to see that they were. But no one cared. And that is what I need to remember. That generally no one will care.

So yea, not the most well written blog ever, but that's a short tale on how my birthday improved massively. Also, I figured out how to change my name so that it is slightly more feminine but pretty much the same. I am also less scared by the idea of occasionally presenting myself as a woman. So woo.

Ok, So that happened

If what I was expecting to happen when I went to the doctors was like a rage comic. It would have looked like  this! But I don't really have the time to make a rage comic about how it actually went.
The doctor was a new doctor, she has only just finished whatever training she needed to become a GP. She was also Eastern European if we're honest she probably didn't really get much about the plight of the TG in her home media services. Not that we do get much here in the UK, but people here have generally heard of TGs.
She wasn't even sure what gender identity disorder was, and asked me to repeat it and clarify it. I was also prepared to answer any questions that may have been asked about my life so far and maybe gave away more than I needed to.

But she finally understood that I am of the mindset where I wish i had been born a girl and that I had only recently discovered that this made me a bit odd from the normal. (I really did think that every boy wished they were a girl, only really recently did I realise otherwise.)

So she said she didn't know what to do. I said that ideally I would be referred to a psychiatrist she said she didn't know how to do that.  I was fine with this as I we are all new at things sometimes and can't be expected to know everything. It is odd knowing more than your doctor about medical issues though I must add.

So she asked if I would mind if she went to go and ask for advice from one of the senior doctors. I said I was ok with this and she did.
She was gone for a short while and when she came back she told me that THE SENIOR DOCTOR DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I mean what the fuck! He said that it was such an unusual case that they should write off to the local NHS psychiatrist to find out what to do next. I was dumbstruck. She said this will take a month. I gave her my mobile number to ring me when she finds out more.

I guess I just wait now. Wait a month to find out if I am referred. Fucking brilliant. I hate living in this hicksville backwater shitty little fucking Norfolk village.

Scared

I'm scared. Scared scared scared scared scared.
I'm scared that as soon as I walk into the doctors he will laugh me out of there. I'm scared that the psychotherapist will prove to me that I am not what I think I am and am just a pervert.
I'm scared that I am who I am and I will feel like I need to have a full transistion to ever be happy again. I don't think I can ever bring myself to do that.
I'm scared that I'll lose what ever it is that makes me me, and people will not think of me in the same way. I'm scared I'll lose friends and family. I'm scared I'll lose myself.

But I need to do this, or at least start, or show that I can do it. I don't generally follow through with things. I'm even failing my OU course within the first month! I know I suck. I just seem to set myself to self-destruct. But maybe this will get me out of the rut I am in. It should help. At least I know who I am even if no one else can.

Emo or what? But I do feel scared, I've even lost my appetite, I'm hungry but can't eat, I'm tired but can't sleep. I don't really drink and I don't smoke anything. So I don't really have anything to numb it down. I just have de-caff tea.

Hopefully I'll cheer up and actually write something here that is useful. But the point was to record my feelings as a diary for myself. Which is what this is.

Adventure starts here

I had two new years resolutions this year. One was to not be lame. The other was to go on more adventures.

I broke the first one within a day, but hey that's just who I am.  The second is not one that can be broken.

I've not had any adventures yet, but earlier today I started on a big one. I rang my local GP to book an appointment to talk to them about the possibility of myself having Gender Identity Disorder. I say possibility but I am pretty sure, although I am never one to commit.

Basically I am 25 and a bit of a family man with a long term partner and a daughter. My late accepting of who I am is certainly going to throw up some interesting challenges. But because of this I don't think I'll ever make the full transition. But I am happy to dabble and see what happens. Although my main aim is to just try and become a bit more comfortable in my body.

So like I said. I am quite late to this. A few years ago I realised that looking at pictures online that could be classed as gay pornography might mean I am bi-sexual. And so within the past few months I've realised that wishing I had been born a girl and not having a penis or testosterone flowing through my body might mean I am or intend to be transgendered. 

So this weekend I came out to my partner, for the third time in our relationship. The first time was when I told her I was bi-sexual, the second time was when I told her I was a crossdresser and then finally that I might be trans.  She took the news well and told me that she was fully expecting this day for me to tell her. She is still happy to be with me, and still share her make-up (She always has). Although there may be some barriers placed up in the future, but I can't see myself ever going that far. We'll have to see what happens.

Ok, I've lost my steam, I hope to update this whenever I feel like I have taken a step to my new future or I feel like sharing one of my many self-denial stories from when I was growing up.

Now I just wait to see the GP. The appointment is on my birthday, not that that has any significance.