Jobless

I've not really posted anything in a while. Mainly because I lost my job. Which sucks.

I felt quite fortunate in my old job as people knew me enough for to start blurring the gender lines. I was able to have a reasonably femme hair style and clothes without anyone batting an eyelid. This was just because the place was a live and let live kind of environment.

Now I have to find a new place to work, most likely in a more unenlightened kind of place. Even if it is temporary it is just another delay for me to become who I am, as the risk of violence and pain and hurting is flared up again.

Sucks

I am not transgender because

These are reasons and not reasons why I am transgender

I am not transgender because I grew up in an all woman household
I am not transgender because I spent a chunk of my youth in all womens hostels
I am not transgender because I like womens clothing and putting on make-up
I am not transgender because I wish to alienate myself from society
I am not transgender because I'm actually gay and can just snap out of all of it
I am not transgender because I had a shitty relationship with my father where he was always trying to build up my "manliness"
I am not transgender because I want to be a woman
I am not transgender because I every day I wake up and I see I am still in my male body I am overcome with sadness
I am not transgender because I hate how I can feel like I can feel my testosterone is flowing through my body and I hate it.
I am not transgender because I can't stand seeing all my male tells on my body, such as my facial hair.

I am transgender because I know that what I am inside is not what I am outside. I was born a male and I wish with all my heart I wasn't. Some of what is listed are what come with being transgender and others have nothing to do with at all, or even to do with me and how I may feel.
But I was dealt a hand that completely separated my mind from my body and put me in a situation where I do not feel I can ever be happy that a connection can be restored fully. Or maybe even partially. My body grew as a male body and became more so as the years went by, I grew taller, broader and hairier and my mind grew softer and more feminine and every time I had to take stock of myself I found myself wanting and lacking.

It is difficult, as it is for everyone, but I don't really care about passing or living as a female. I know that's how I'd be happiest but for me I just want to try and adjust my body to my mind as much as possible. Even if it is all in private and under my clothes.

Although I am fickle and this view could change tomorrow, it is how I am dealing with it now.

Phone call

So I got a phone call yesterday from my potential GID doctor thingy, Dr Olive from the Norfolk(Norwich?) Gender Clinic. Which was good. I had a bit of an issue trying to convince him that I was actually in his area and did not fall under Cambridge which would have meant a lot of hassle.

But thankfully I'm not in Cambridge I'm in Norfolk and so can see the local clinic.

I was happy to get this call, which told me I was going to be finding out about an appointment soon and this is only after a couple of month of waiting which is quite good.

Thing is, I've kind of been a bit lack about the whole thing lately. I've sort of pushed it to the back of my mind as I knew I'd get a long wait, it's also still not totally convenient to dress and stuff most of the time. I still act the same and am the same but... well..

Another thing, this has brought back all the old fears, the main reason why I am not pursuing this with all my heart is that I really cant cope with how afraid I am of what it could mean. I thought I had dealt with this but sometimes I am more relaxed with the idea and other times I am not. I still identify generally as female. Mostly though I find it hard to identify with any gender, and I don't mean in a gender role kind of way I just mean in a self-projection way. But definitely more female than male.

which I hate in this body of mine. Fecking Irish-Italian genes. Even if I do have some normal English (Anglo-Saxon type stuff) and Romany, it is no where near as strong.

I don't know, like I said I think that if I just pushed it out of my mind I would be able to pretend I was dealing with it, but really I am not. This is set to be a fun couple of weeks/months/years.

But I will do this as much as I can, it may be slow (I want it to go slow) but it will happen, and I may be happy with it and all the other clichés.


Also, sorry for the disjointed flow of this blog, I'm out of practise.

Waiting, waiting, waiting

So, a couple of weeks ago I got a call from my Doctor asking me if it was ok for her to refer me to a gender clinic in Norwich. She was worried that it would inconvenient for me to go there as I had request to go to Cambridge (Cambridge doesn't have a gender clinic which is crazy... It's Cambridge ffs) I had no issues with this.

I did ask her to repeat herself. I asked her to whom she was referring me to. She said a gender specialist in Norwich GIC. I was shocked and happy. I was expecting to have to go to a psychologist, psychiatrist, social worker, priest, tescos manager, tea lady, bus driver.. Basically everyone and everything until people finally decided I was worthy to see a specialist. I told her this, she said she felt there was no need for that... She felt happy referring me strait away. Yay for me, I guess, now I just have to hope they do actually decide they want to see me, or don't throw me away after the first session or something.

God knows how long I have to even wait for confirmation of my referral.

I'm not complaining though, I am so happy I was able to get to see such a great doctor who was so understanding. I guess she might have felt that if I was brave enough to sit in that busy waiting room wearing women's jeans and a pink top in our little village then I knew what I wanted.

Thing is... I still don't know what I want, I was bracing up for the battle with the gate keepers to strengthen my resolve. I would become an expert in my arguments about why I was trans and how I wasn't trans for a whole host of reasons. I was going to fight down every single petty remark and bullshit theory just to be myself. I was going to fight and become a trans-warrior, like so many others I know who have to struggle to even get on path.

But who am I to complain, I just hope I don't get it too easy to forget how others struggle. I hope I don't go in too weak and ruin my chances on the first go. I hope they are forgiving for when I do ruin my chances on the first go (I will, I know I will).

So anyone have any experience with Norwich gender clinic?

Sometimes there are no bad guys. Or bad girls.

So I came out to my partner a couple of months ago. I told her as much as I knew about what it meant to transition. I learnt more after that and I am still learning.
Something I came across again and again was that hormones did two significant things. One was make you sterile and the other was send you into puberty again (fun).

The first thing: the sterile thing… I have a daughter. I love her to bits and I don’t regret her at all. She is so wonderful and beautiful. I don’t feel like I want another child, I don’t feel like I can handle that after I have gone through my transition and as horrible as it sounds I don’t want to risk having a son.

I sucked as a son, I had a shitty father/son relationship and I wouldn’t want my transition status to have an effect on how they grow up. This is probably completely un-reasonable but it’s the truth as it is to me.

The issue with this is that if you tell someone that there is an absolute, then you are taking that option away from them. My SO may not have had any desire to have more children with me now or ever but she doesn’t like the idea of being forced to never have children with me again. This is reasonable. If I am to go on hormones there really is little other choice aside from a sperm bank.

The puberty thing means a lot. I am Bi-sexual at the moment. I am attracted to guys and girls, I’ve never had a sexual relationship with another guy but I have fallen in love with a couple. When I go through my puberty my feelings of desire for men may massively increase and take over. I may be uncontrollable with my urge to feel the stubble and strong arms. What girl doesn’t…?

This MIGHT happen. It MIGHT happen. If I and my SO stay together where she is strong for me and my support I could go through puberty bi and come out the other end strait. It is possible. I love my SO a lot. I can’t imagine leaving her, but I can’t account for when the chemicals in my brain change.

So all I can offer her are three things. I promise to love her, I promise to try and support her as much as she supports me and I promise to always be honest with her. So if I feel like I may be straightening out then we will have warning.
I don’t know if this will ever be enough. It does feel like the future is uncertain. But the future is always uncertain. Someone could drive home from work a happily married man, pull over to help a stranded woman with her tyres, fall in love with her and BAM. Changed future.

Otherwise, we can compromise. If I want anything from this it’s the hormones. I know they will be able to help change me from the testosterone filled gorilla I am to the Disney princess I am inside (hah).

But a compromise for me on this would be the blockers I guess. Stop the T as much as I can without the O. Even then, will I still feel the self-hate? Will I still become sterile? I don’t know. It’s hard. I really want this change. It’s what I’ve needed my whole life. I can’t believe how much I blocked it.

I spent last night in my old bed as a teenager. As I went to sleep I wished I would wake up back in my 15 year old body in 2001. A fresh start. Let me be Ahuali (I seriously need a girl’s name) from the start. But then, I wouldn’t have had all the amazing stuff I’ve had…

Bah. Life

So I've come out to most of the important friends and family. Only 2 people left.
Friends went well, I doubt they will read this even though i came out to one of them kind of via twitter and I am unsure if he got it or just followed because what the hell it's Liam.
The other friend went well and another one has known for like a year now.
One main friend left, everyone else I can take of leave their reaction. I'd hate to leave the main friend though as if he is cool with this he would be pissed off that he didn't find out when everyone else found out....

I came out to my mum and step-dad and that went well. My mum is a valuable resource for information as she is a nurse and used to work at a sexual health clinic in London. This didn't occur to me but she has seen it all and heard it all. So that's great.

Im pretty sure my step-dad already knew, as I think he saw the kind of porn I was looking at when I lived with them :\

Just my sister left. She should be fine, mainly she is the only person left who talks to my dad. I'd both love and hate for him to find out. I don't talk to my dad, not since he attacked me and my pregnant girlfriend. But I cant help but chuckle at the thought of his shock that everything he feared about me (and told me so again and again when i was growing up. Hello repression) kind of comes true. But in a less of a bigoted arsehole way.

So thats it. I wish to write more.

I need to write about the reasons why I felt I wasn't transgender and was just fucked up.

As well as my love/hate relationship with self-image and stuff.

Also, hello readers. please say hi. I need attention. I used to get it from those TV attention sites (I was 19/20 so sue me) some dodgy people on there that's for sure.

Fear and self-loathing on the transgender trail

So for me I feel like I am held back by my own ideas of who I should be. I should just be who I want to be. Even when I have come to terms with my own trangenderism I feel like I need to validate it and set myself down to some hard limits.
I feel ugly. Yes. I feel fat. Yes. It happens. I should still be me.

I, like every other alienated teenager, love Hunter S Thompson. And like everyone else like me I felt that his writing really spoke to me personally and that I wanted my life to be lived according to his values, which seemed to me to be to just follow your passion; follow justice, look out for the little guy and try to cause as much havoc on the way as you can. But then he shot himself.
He gave up. I gave up. It’s a shit world when the man who knows its shit gives up on it. For a year I wished I could go back in time and tell him that it gets better. It always gets better.

Then, recently, I read one of his books I bought after he died; Kingdom of Fear. It was published after his death. And a line in it struck me, it was what made me feel closer to HST than anything else I ever read, it seemed to define a certain nature of his. I think it was also largely ignored. He said in the last chapter (compiled and placed there by his editor) that he felt that he was a grown man with the soul of a teenage girl. His lust for disaster and the chase of the bad boy could be traced back to that girl in his soul. This is how I felt, although my girl is less naughty and more insecure. She, me, is like the normal me. Insecure and worried and self-conscious. She doesn’t want to let anyone down even it means letting her self down. She will sacrifice a lot for the sake of others.

By this I don’t mean my family. As a dad (weird, but my notion of a dad is not like the normal idea. I fantasised my own father which means I can now be whatever I need to be) this needs to mean I provide support which I will always do. But instead of just hiding away my soul I should just let her out. She is more like me than anything else I let show, in fact she is me. She is all ME. No acting or holding back, she is let loose now and I hope to never have to reign her in. But man, o man, do I need to work on my self-perception. Anorexia is not pretty and I can never claim to have had it but I lost a lot of weight very quickly through not eating and as tempting as it is to do that again I think I'll just stick to cycling and running. Once I get enough self-control to drag myself out of bed in the morning I need to remember that the end justifies the means. By ends I mean an attractive woman and by means I mean leaving my nice warm bed to go and cycle around some boring old fields for an hour.

Either way. HST was Trans; it was why he chased everything and tried to fill the void in his soul. I also R Trans but I don’t intend to wait until I am sixty to really express this and then shoot myself in the head.
Fuck I’m drunk. TL:DR – Fuck you, fuck me. I am whoever I am. Also, I’m drunk. But meh, who read this anyway. From now on I’m going to get drunk at every opportunity and just let loose.


Next chapter of my blog will be how porn fucks everything up and makes you feel like a worthless piece of self-hating shit.