Sometimes there are no bad guys. Or bad girls.

So I came out to my partner a couple of months ago. I told her as much as I knew about what it meant to transition. I learnt more after that and I am still learning.
Something I came across again and again was that hormones did two significant things. One was make you sterile and the other was send you into puberty again (fun).

The first thing: the sterile thing… I have a daughter. I love her to bits and I don’t regret her at all. She is so wonderful and beautiful. I don’t feel like I want another child, I don’t feel like I can handle that after I have gone through my transition and as horrible as it sounds I don’t want to risk having a son.

I sucked as a son, I had a shitty father/son relationship and I wouldn’t want my transition status to have an effect on how they grow up. This is probably completely un-reasonable but it’s the truth as it is to me.

The issue with this is that if you tell someone that there is an absolute, then you are taking that option away from them. My SO may not have had any desire to have more children with me now or ever but she doesn’t like the idea of being forced to never have children with me again. This is reasonable. If I am to go on hormones there really is little other choice aside from a sperm bank.

The puberty thing means a lot. I am Bi-sexual at the moment. I am attracted to guys and girls, I’ve never had a sexual relationship with another guy but I have fallen in love with a couple. When I go through my puberty my feelings of desire for men may massively increase and take over. I may be uncontrollable with my urge to feel the stubble and strong arms. What girl doesn’t…?

This MIGHT happen. It MIGHT happen. If I and my SO stay together where she is strong for me and my support I could go through puberty bi and come out the other end strait. It is possible. I love my SO a lot. I can’t imagine leaving her, but I can’t account for when the chemicals in my brain change.

So all I can offer her are three things. I promise to love her, I promise to try and support her as much as she supports me and I promise to always be honest with her. So if I feel like I may be straightening out then we will have warning.
I don’t know if this will ever be enough. It does feel like the future is uncertain. But the future is always uncertain. Someone could drive home from work a happily married man, pull over to help a stranded woman with her tyres, fall in love with her and BAM. Changed future.

Otherwise, we can compromise. If I want anything from this it’s the hormones. I know they will be able to help change me from the testosterone filled gorilla I am to the Disney princess I am inside (hah).

But a compromise for me on this would be the blockers I guess. Stop the T as much as I can without the O. Even then, will I still feel the self-hate? Will I still become sterile? I don’t know. It’s hard. I really want this change. It’s what I’ve needed my whole life. I can’t believe how much I blocked it.

I spent last night in my old bed as a teenager. As I went to sleep I wished I would wake up back in my 15 year old body in 2001. A fresh start. Let me be Ahuali (I seriously need a girl’s name) from the start. But then, I wouldn’t have had all the amazing stuff I’ve had…

Bah. Life

So I've come out to most of the important friends and family. Only 2 people left.
Friends went well, I doubt they will read this even though i came out to one of them kind of via twitter and I am unsure if he got it or just followed because what the hell it's Liam.
The other friend went well and another one has known for like a year now.
One main friend left, everyone else I can take of leave their reaction. I'd hate to leave the main friend though as if he is cool with this he would be pissed off that he didn't find out when everyone else found out....

I came out to my mum and step-dad and that went well. My mum is a valuable resource for information as she is a nurse and used to work at a sexual health clinic in London. This didn't occur to me but she has seen it all and heard it all. So that's great.

Im pretty sure my step-dad already knew, as I think he saw the kind of porn I was looking at when I lived with them :\

Just my sister left. She should be fine, mainly she is the only person left who talks to my dad. I'd both love and hate for him to find out. I don't talk to my dad, not since he attacked me and my pregnant girlfriend. But I cant help but chuckle at the thought of his shock that everything he feared about me (and told me so again and again when i was growing up. Hello repression) kind of comes true. But in a less of a bigoted arsehole way.

So thats it. I wish to write more.

I need to write about the reasons why I felt I wasn't transgender and was just fucked up.

As well as my love/hate relationship with self-image and stuff.

Also, hello readers. please say hi. I need attention. I used to get it from those TV attention sites (I was 19/20 so sue me) some dodgy people on there that's for sure.