1 year on

It has been a year.

Nothing has changed, except now I am on a list. Nothing else feels so ominous as being on a list.

Fuck

Blogging reposts - Bradley Manning

Everyone needs to see this.

Bradley Manning Had Secrets

http://vimeo.com/32837863

Trans or ally at work

So I got a new job. Nothing special, just temp work over the christmas period. I'm currently a bookseller and it is very fun. I may be able to stay after xmas, but for massively reduced hours, but work is work.

I'm not out at work, I wasn't really out at my old job but I never really hid it. In this job I don't really have anything that needs a flaunt or a hide. We all wear the same clothes (red is one of my flattering colours) and I need my hair tied back otherwise it really gets in the way.

My only real show of my trans nature is my transgendered symbol badge on my bag that I try to wear all the time so that even when I'm in man mode I can hopefully show support.

Mainly though, a big difference is that in my old job I could hear a transphobic comment and not really have the confidence or opportunity to educate, as it was a 300+ people company chances are I wouldn't know the person who said the comment and I certainly wouldn't remember who they were after. Where I work now there are 8 other people, so it's a lot more close knit. I've not had to educate yet but I have found it prudent to declare myself as an ally. Such as in the following conversation:

AM - "I caught some of the ghastly show My Transsexual Summer last night"
Me - "Oh yea? That's a shame, I quite like it and I have a few transgendered friends who find it to be quite accurate and sympathetic"
This then proceeded to a conversation about transgendered rights and it's representation in pink politics and such. He was rather taken back when I told him that the average age of a transgendered person is only 23 years old and we ended up on a positive note.

I don't think his critisism of MTS would have resulted in transphobic comments, I think his opinion would have only been on the show being similar to the other "freak show" documentaries on TV (which it may appear to be by the name, but really isn't) so I at least stuck my oar in to defend the show which I enjoyed immensely.

The result of this conversation is that I've now shown that I won't accept anything transphobic without having to actually accuse anyone of being so (I wouldn't strait out say "You're Transphobic you Cissexist bastard!") as I know they are all very nice people, but nice people who don't know what may be offensive can still offend. As it were...

I've also told everyone I can about my book I'm writing with the transsexual femme fatale, and expanded but saying I'm an ally and all that.

If I get this job permanently, which I hope I do as I really do love it, then I need to think to myself if I would be comfortable outing myself to my work mates. And I think that the answer is a yes. So that's good.

Jobless

I've not really posted anything in a while. Mainly because I lost my job. Which sucks.

I felt quite fortunate in my old job as people knew me enough for to start blurring the gender lines. I was able to have a reasonably femme hair style and clothes without anyone batting an eyelid. This was just because the place was a live and let live kind of environment.

Now I have to find a new place to work, most likely in a more unenlightened kind of place. Even if it is temporary it is just another delay for me to become who I am, as the risk of violence and pain and hurting is flared up again.

Sucks

I am not transgender because

These are reasons and not reasons why I am transgender

I am not transgender because I grew up in an all woman household
I am not transgender because I spent a chunk of my youth in all womens hostels
I am not transgender because I like womens clothing and putting on make-up
I am not transgender because I wish to alienate myself from society
I am not transgender because I'm actually gay and can just snap out of all of it
I am not transgender because I had a shitty relationship with my father where he was always trying to build up my "manliness"
I am not transgender because I want to be a woman
I am not transgender because I every day I wake up and I see I am still in my male body I am overcome with sadness
I am not transgender because I hate how I can feel like I can feel my testosterone is flowing through my body and I hate it.
I am not transgender because I can't stand seeing all my male tells on my body, such as my facial hair.

I am transgender because I know that what I am inside is not what I am outside. I was born a male and I wish with all my heart I wasn't. Some of what is listed are what come with being transgender and others have nothing to do with at all, or even to do with me and how I may feel.
But I was dealt a hand that completely separated my mind from my body and put me in a situation where I do not feel I can ever be happy that a connection can be restored fully. Or maybe even partially. My body grew as a male body and became more so as the years went by, I grew taller, broader and hairier and my mind grew softer and more feminine and every time I had to take stock of myself I found myself wanting and lacking.

It is difficult, as it is for everyone, but I don't really care about passing or living as a female. I know that's how I'd be happiest but for me I just want to try and adjust my body to my mind as much as possible. Even if it is all in private and under my clothes.

Although I am fickle and this view could change tomorrow, it is how I am dealing with it now.

Phone call

So I got a phone call yesterday from my potential GID doctor thingy, Dr Olive from the Norfolk(Norwich?) Gender Clinic. Which was good. I had a bit of an issue trying to convince him that I was actually in his area and did not fall under Cambridge which would have meant a lot of hassle.

But thankfully I'm not in Cambridge I'm in Norfolk and so can see the local clinic.

I was happy to get this call, which told me I was going to be finding out about an appointment soon and this is only after a couple of month of waiting which is quite good.

Thing is, I've kind of been a bit lack about the whole thing lately. I've sort of pushed it to the back of my mind as I knew I'd get a long wait, it's also still not totally convenient to dress and stuff most of the time. I still act the same and am the same but... well..

Another thing, this has brought back all the old fears, the main reason why I am not pursuing this with all my heart is that I really cant cope with how afraid I am of what it could mean. I thought I had dealt with this but sometimes I am more relaxed with the idea and other times I am not. I still identify generally as female. Mostly though I find it hard to identify with any gender, and I don't mean in a gender role kind of way I just mean in a self-projection way. But definitely more female than male.

which I hate in this body of mine. Fecking Irish-Italian genes. Even if I do have some normal English (Anglo-Saxon type stuff) and Romany, it is no where near as strong.

I don't know, like I said I think that if I just pushed it out of my mind I would be able to pretend I was dealing with it, but really I am not. This is set to be a fun couple of weeks/months/years.

But I will do this as much as I can, it may be slow (I want it to go slow) but it will happen, and I may be happy with it and all the other clichés.


Also, sorry for the disjointed flow of this blog, I'm out of practise.

Waiting, waiting, waiting

So, a couple of weeks ago I got a call from my Doctor asking me if it was ok for her to refer me to a gender clinic in Norwich. She was worried that it would inconvenient for me to go there as I had request to go to Cambridge (Cambridge doesn't have a gender clinic which is crazy... It's Cambridge ffs) I had no issues with this.

I did ask her to repeat herself. I asked her to whom she was referring me to. She said a gender specialist in Norwich GIC. I was shocked and happy. I was expecting to have to go to a psychologist, psychiatrist, social worker, priest, tescos manager, tea lady, bus driver.. Basically everyone and everything until people finally decided I was worthy to see a specialist. I told her this, she said she felt there was no need for that... She felt happy referring me strait away. Yay for me, I guess, now I just have to hope they do actually decide they want to see me, or don't throw me away after the first session or something.

God knows how long I have to even wait for confirmation of my referral.

I'm not complaining though, I am so happy I was able to get to see such a great doctor who was so understanding. I guess she might have felt that if I was brave enough to sit in that busy waiting room wearing women's jeans and a pink top in our little village then I knew what I wanted.

Thing is... I still don't know what I want, I was bracing up for the battle with the gate keepers to strengthen my resolve. I would become an expert in my arguments about why I was trans and how I wasn't trans for a whole host of reasons. I was going to fight down every single petty remark and bullshit theory just to be myself. I was going to fight and become a trans-warrior, like so many others I know who have to struggle to even get on path.

But who am I to complain, I just hope I don't get it too easy to forget how others struggle. I hope I don't go in too weak and ruin my chances on the first go. I hope they are forgiving for when I do ruin my chances on the first go (I will, I know I will).

So anyone have any experience with Norwich gender clinic?